Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
