i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
