3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
