If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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