How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
