my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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