Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
