Someone shit on the floor
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
