So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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