my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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