There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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