Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
