Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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