she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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