I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
