So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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