Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
