i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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