Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
