i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
jump out the window naked night went bad
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
