I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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