capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
