The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize