If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
