So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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