Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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