also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
