Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
