this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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