If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
where are my eyebrows?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
