i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
