from now on my penis is your penis
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
