ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Randomize
