We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
