Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
