...so i touched it.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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