I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
