I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize