apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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