Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
