i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
