I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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