My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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