96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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