I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
