dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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