??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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