He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
