'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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