Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
