Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
