No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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