You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
