I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
