Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
