I seem to have left my pride at pride
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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