my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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